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Stories of Racial Healing : Blog http://storiesofracialhealing.com/ Fri, 26 May 2017 20:41:24 GMT FeedCreator 1.8.0-dev (info@mypapit.net) Okay, Terry, we'll admit you knew what you were talking about http://storiesofracialhealing.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=103:okay-terry-well-admit-you-knew-what-you-were-talking-about&catid=20:phylliss-blog-reflections-from-the-road&Itemid=148 Short post today because things are heating up here in Newport, Oregon. Time to start moving stuff out of our “temporary” apartment and into the RV. Twelve more days and we’ll be on the road again, after a year and a half of sitting still.

Today is May 1st, 2010. It is the official release date of our book - a date we’ve been anticipating for a very, very long time. At one point, nearly three years ago, we thought our publication date would be in the spring of 2009; when our editor told us it would be a year later, it felt like a tremendous loss and we weren’t sure we knew how to wait patiently. Many of you knew our editor, Terry Cassiday. She has since departed this world and joined that host of angels who are guiding us from afar. When we expressed our dismay at what we perceived as a setback, Terry reminded us that this entire project – the original journey, the race unity work, the stories that became a book – was never our idea to begin with. From its inception, this undertaking has been the result of divine inspiration, divine intervention, divine nudging. She also assured us that the problem of racial prejudice was not going be solved between May 2009 and May 2010, that there would still be a need for our book, and that – like everything else – the timing of its release was being arranged by a wisdom far greater than our own. We often wonder if she had some premonition of what was coming. To say that the timing is perfect is . . . well . . . a bit of an understatement. And she promised that when it happened, it would be wonderful.

Last Thursday evening we did our very first reading as real authors. While we’ve been sharing many of our stories around the country for years, there was something quite different about Thursday. You know how people say about amazing events that it felt like a dream? And how the rest of us think that is so trite? Well let me tell you something – trite or not, it felt like a dream. Like when I’ve just climbed onto a horse and am ready for a gallop, then suddenly I wake up with a rush of disappointment. It wasn’t real; it was only a dream. That’s how I felt Thursday – like I might wake up at any moment and realize that I never actually wrote a book at all; I only imagined it. When we walked into the room at OSU, there were copies of our book, laid out in rows on a table. I heard one young lady say as she walked in, “Oh look! The book is here!” It was surreal. Then we read our stories – not from lined notebook paper with hand-written scribbles, not from computer printouts of unedited electronic files, but from a rectangular, three-dimensional object with pages that are glued together. We gave love to our audience; they gave love back. And when we were done, people paid actual dollars for those copies on the table and then stood in line, waiting for us to sign them! After every signature I looked up and wondered, “Is this going to be the moment when the phone rings, or Gene shifts his position in bed, or a dog barks, and I wake up, look around at the bedroom, and slowly become aware that none of this really happened?”

Apparently I’m still sleeping, because there’s another reading coming up tomorrow and Gene is over at the RV park doing last minute maintenance on our trailer. Things are piled by the front door, ready to be relocated into MUCH SMALLER closets and drawers. Managers of RV parks in Georgia, Texas, and Massachusetts are emailing me confirmations of our reservations. Friends are calling to schedule events in Little Rock, Chicago, and San Diego. I haven’t lost the 40 pounds I had hoped to shed before we set out, but other than that, everything is nearly ready to go. Maybe if I take a brisk, half-hour walk every day between now and May 12th . . .

And Terry Cassiday is looking over my shoulder whispering excitedly in my ear, “I told you so! I told you so!” The dream is unfolding before our eyes. We don’t know exactly what’s going to happen at every turn, but we’re okay with that. It is a little bit stressful and a little bit scary. It has been and will continue to be a whole lot of hard work. It is sometimes exhausting, more often exhilarating. And it is wonderful. So very wonderful.

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Sat, 01 May 2010 17:22:57 GMT http://storiesofracialhealing.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=103:okay-terry-well-admit-you-knew-what-you-were-talking-about&catid=20:phylliss-blog-reflections-from-the-road&Itemid=148
Spiked at the library http://storiesofracialhealing.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=102:spiked-at-the-library&catid=20:phylliss-blog-reflections-from-the-road&Itemid=148 Here is another story that was too short to be included in the book.

A few years ago I was working on finishing my degree at DePaul University. Gene and I had parked our RV at a scenic, forested campground on a lake in a far-flung northwestern suburb of Chicago. It was a lovely spot with winding lanes, a well-stocked store staffed by friendly people,  a sandy beach, and paddle boats. In fact it offered everything a camper might need – everything, that is, except internet access. And so I drove every day to a small local library about 15 minutes away to research an essay I was writing for one of my course requirements.

One day a group of about eight high school students came into the computer room where I was working.  They were a diverse bunch of young people; their clothing and hairstyles proclaimed their unwillingness to conform to some arbitrary standard of correctness.

 Right on their heels came one of the library staff. He stood frowning, hands on his hips, watching the students shrug off their jackets and settle into seats in front of the computers.  He didn’t speak a word of warning, but his expression clearly said that he was not pleased to see them.

While the group was definitely animated, they were neither rude nor excessively loud, and I found their company refreshing. The librarian however seemed determined to catch them committing some violation of library rules. He came into the room frequently to check on them, each time asking me if they were bothering me. I assured him that they were not, yet he glared at them and told them to be quiet, even though talking was not restricted by policy in that room.  When the man came in for the fifth time, I told him,

“You know, there are no signs here that designate this room as a quiet zone. These students are having a good time studying together, and if I feel that I need a quieter environment, I’ll move to another part of the library.”

Well the librarian found my offer upsetting and told me with some vehemence that  he would throw them out before he would let that happen.  Then he glared at the group again for a long time to make sure his meaning was clear, and actually slammed the door as he left the room.

I looked over at this bunch of young folks who a few moments before had been laughing together as they worked on their various assignments. Now they sat still and somber, staring down at their knees. One of the girls saw me watching and cleared her throat once, twice, and then a third time, and finally spoke to me in a very soft voice.

“He always picks on our group because we look different. Not anyone else – only us.”

I just nodded, and my acknowledgement apparently gave her courage because she continued more loudly,

“ I hate that!  They think we’re going to cause trouble just based on how we look, you know, like because we’re spiked.”

Here she gestured toward her friends, none of whom wore what I would call a spiked hairstyle, so I wasn’t sure exactly what part of them might be considered “spiked”.  Deciding I didn’t really want to know, I simply nodded again.

The young lady looked around at the others as if to gauge their level of support for what she was about to say, and then she whispered,

“It’s because some of us are Mexican.”

As soon as her words were out, it seemed she suddenly realized that she was talking to an adult white woman, and a look of panic came over her face.

“Oh no,” she said, “I didn’t mean that.  That was just a joke.”  She glanced quickly at me and then away, then at me again, then at the floor.

I waited until her eyes settled and said, “No, that’s not a joke; it’s probably the truth and it is injustice.”

The group actually gasped, as though I had dared to speak out loud something that had always been hidden. I told them that was exactly what I was writing my essay about – the injustice of prejudice and stereotypes. They scooted their chairs up closer to mine and I talked for several minutes about our travels and the race unity workshop that Gene and I had been presenting around the country.  At one point my young friend suggested that when I was done with my essay, I should post it in the library for everyone to read, and I promised to email them all a copy if they gave me their addresses.

As our discussion continued, I watched this courageous girl’s expression change gradually from excitement to resignation, and then to sadness, and finally she admitted that she didn’t think things would ever change.  Already at her tender age she felt hopeless.

I begged them not to lose hope.  I told them what I’d seen and experienced, said that there were many people, and yes, even many white people, all over the country who were actively engaged in change.  And I said it was all happening because of bonds of friendship among people from different backgrounds. I explained how the images in my mind of the faces of my friends of color were what drove me on, how I didn’t want to let them down.

This seemed to encourage the group, and the girl said, “Hey, you and I are friends now! My name is Amanda.”

Then another student jumped up out of her chair, put her arm around a fair-skinned, blond girl and  said, “This is my best friend – she’s white and I’m Hawaiian!” And within seconds the whole group was involved in the conversation, back to their animated, spiky selves, talking about this or that friend of a different ethnicity.

Amanda said, “You know, it’s not just about race.  There is prejudice against gays and grogs too.” Anyhow I think she said “grogs” or maybe it was “throgs.”  I thought it best to just nod my understanding, even though I clearly had no clue what type of person she might be referring to.

A young Mexican man, grinning and rocking back and forth, shouted “Hey, we’re an interracial group; we could be like your sponsors or something!” And we all thought up funny scenarios that involved my diverse team of sponsors following our RV down the road in their big red bus. The librarian apparently heard our laughter and came over to watch us through the room’s windows. He didn’t come in.

A little later I went out into the main part of the library to make some photocopies.  As I walked back toward the computer room, I could see them through the same windows; they were ripping little strips of paper from their notebooks, writing something on them, and putting them next to my computer. Then they gathered up their jackets and books and straggled out of the room, offering their hands to me as we passed in the doorway. They exited the library still laughing – quietly – and one of the boys waved to the librarian on his way out.

On the desk I found a tidy stack of paper strips with their email addresses. Like their clothing and hair, these addresses reflected some aspect of each student’s identity. To me those emails were breadcrumbs strewn carefully on the forest path,  to help me follow their trail and find my spiked sponsors when it was time for me to hit the road again.

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Sat, 24 Apr 2010 04:32:23 GMT http://storiesofracialhealing.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=102:spiked-at-the-library&catid=20:phylliss-blog-reflections-from-the-road&Itemid=148
What is my role as a white person? http://storiesofracialhealing.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=101:what-is-my-role-as-a-white-person&catid=20:phylliss-blog-reflections-from-the-road&Itemid=148 I’ve been so busy arranging our tour (and swooning from the feedback of people who have begun reading our book!) that it’s been quite difficult to keep up with my blog posts. So I thought today I might pose a question or two – and hopefully start a discussion – based on this article, which was posted by my Facebook friend Jane this morning:   Read Conversations: Embracing Our African Roots

Those of us who are white have never been slave-owners, even if some of our forefathers were. It’s not our fault what happened to black folks back in the days of slavery, right?

Most of us are really good people – we have a few black friends, we don’t tell questionable jokes or use racist language, we teach our children to treat everyone as equals. The dialogue within the black community about the effects of stereotypes on the self-esteem of black folks is not our problem, is it? What could we possibly have to offer to that discussion? Is it our business anyway? Wouldn’t we be perceived as condescending or as having a savior complex if we expressed our opinions on that topic? Would our voices even be welcome in this forum? Whites often feel frustrated, powerless, and overwhelmed when we try to figure out exactly what our role is in addressing racial stereotypes and prejudice. We usually know what we shouldn’t do, but have only vague ideas of what we should do.

Please share your thoughts and feelings, whatever the color of your skin. If you’re white, what do you think is your role in eliminating racism? If you’re black, what do you wish white people would do? If you are of a different ethnicity, how is your group affected by stereotypes about people of African descent? How are you personally affected by racial attitudes in this country?

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Sat, 10 Apr 2010 21:04:59 GMT http://storiesofracialhealing.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=101:what-is-my-role-as-a-white-person&catid=20:phylliss-blog-reflections-from-the-road&Itemid=148
Velcro Kids http://storiesofracialhealing.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=93:velcro-kids&catid=20:phylliss-blog-reflections-from-the-road&Itemid=148 Gene and I have written many stories that didn’t end up in our book, and I’d often wondered how we could make them available for people to read. Now we have a way to do that. I’ll be posting these anecdotes from time to time; like the stories in our book, they are all true, although I’ve changed people’s names to protect their privacy. They’re also first drafts and so are somewhat unpolished, but I hope they give you something to think about. This first one takes place in Connecticut, in October of 1997, a short time after we started traveling.

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A lively group of people had gathered at the home of our friend Kathryn; they were so happy to see each other that one might think they’d been apart for years, when in fact we had all been together the previous day.  The festive, boisterous atmosphere grew as more guests arrived for the evening’s program of devotions and fellowship.  I could see only one subdued spot in the whole room; on the couch, Laurie and her two children sat still and close together, creating their own little island of quiet in a sea of buzzing activity.


I had met Laurie just a few days earlier; she was interested in learning about the Bahá'í Faith and had been coming regularly to meetings at Kathryn’s house.  Her son and daughter, who always accompanied her, were young and close together in age – maybe five and seven years old – and they never left their mother’s side.  In fact they were so physically attached to Laura at all times that they had been dubbed “the Velcro kids” by members of this close-knit community.  During our conversation, Laura had told me that she was also attending Quaker meetings.  When I’d asked what drew her to that particular church, she had responded that she loved the quiet, contemplative atmosphere there.  And now the three of them sat like statues in Kathryn’s living room; in this primarily African-American group, they were – along with me, Gene, and one other man – the only white people present.

After an uplifting hour of prayers, readings, and music, people were serving themselves from the luscious array of desserts and returning to the living room to eat and socialize.  In the kitchen Kathryn chatted with two of her close friends; they were very animated, and as they talked and laughed, their voices became louder and their gestures more enthusiastic.  I was seated across the coffee table from Laura, and as the kitchen conversation became increasingly rowdy, I watched her children.  They both clung tightly to their mother’s arms while looking over their shoulders at the three women.  Their eyes were wide open and their little mouths compressed.  

“They sure are loud,” whispered the boy, the older of the two.  Laura was engaged in conversation and paid no attention.  So I decided right then to try an experiment.  

“Yeah, they sure are loud,” I agreed.  “Those are about the loudest ladies I ever heard!”  

“How come they’re so loud?” asked the girl.

“Well, I guess they just love each other so much, it has to come out loud,” I answered.  

The children looked at me with blatant skepticism as they considered my explanation.  

“You mean they’re not mad?” the boy finally asked.   

“Turn around and take a good look at their faces,” I said.  “Do they look mad to you?”  
They looked; they stared for a long time, and then I actually saw their grips on their mother’s arms relax.  I gave them some time to think about this new possibility and then made a suggestion.  

“Hey I’ve got a great idea!  Why don’t we go into the kitchen and get some cookies?  It looks like  your mom’s going to sit there and talk all night.”  I don’t know if I really expected this strategy to work, so I was somewhat surprised when they both got up, took my hands, and followed me to the plates full of goodies.  As they served themselves, they looked around shyly, and when we returned to the living room, they sat down next to Laura and ate without touching her.

At first I was unsure if I should tell Laura about the small drama that had unfolded as she talked with her new friends, apparently unaware of her children’s feelings. But by the end of the evening both kids were going back to the dessert table by themselves, and  were even interacting tentatively with other adults.  This was such a dramatic change in their behavior that it deserved some explanation.  Laura was surprised but grateful for my intervention.  Kathryn, unaware of what had transpired, declared it a miracle; it was the first time since she had met them that she’d seen the children leave Laura’s side.   

To me the miracle was the sight of a young boy and girl smiling at people they had been afraid of only minutes before.  If only it were that easy for adults to reassess their assumptions!
Please share your comments. Do you think the children’s initial reactions would have developed into racial stereotypes? What conditions might prevent that from happening? Have you ever experienced something similar? What can we do to help our kids grow up free of racial conditioning?
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Fri, 05 Mar 2010 08:44:23 GMT http://storiesofracialhealing.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=93:velcro-kids&catid=20:phylliss-blog-reflections-from-the-road&Itemid=148
How this whole thing got started http://storiesofracialhealing.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=75:how-this-whole-thing-got-started&catid=20:phylliss-blog-reflections-from-the-road&Itemid=148 Honey Bee“Consider this the most important time in your lives.”  That’s what he told us. He said other things too, like “Make your mark, and make it now!” And “Do something that’s completely out of the ordinary.” The date of this beginning was September 13, 1996. The place—such an enduringly magical place!—was Green Lake, Wisconsin. Bees so thick that you always check inside your can of soda before you take a swig. Lake water a hue of blue that could blind, decorated with isosceles boat sails, churned by the urgent pumping of paddle-boater legs. The best of everything that autumn has to offer.

And the ever-present pull between wanting to be outside breathing it in and not wanting to miss a moment of what was happening inside Pillsbury Hall. I’d come here nearly every autumn of my life since 1968, first as a college student, then as a mother of three children, later as a middle-aged woman seeking old friends and new insights.

The audience on that day sat enthralled; the speaker paced the stage, afire with inspiration. Beloved and respected by those hundreds who filled the seats, he had our full attention. He described the significance of these times, convinced us to take advantage of such a weighty opportunity. And while this sort of talk was not at all unusual at the Green Lake Bahá'í Conference, some mingling of spiritual energies was at play, charging his words with the power to move hearts in an unusual way. Ours included.

We left the session high on possibilities, got in our mini-van and drove toward our tent. And then this whole thing somehow got started. Gene, driving, looked at me with one eye and at the narrow road with the other; I looked at him with both of mine. “Let’s sell our house, buy a little RV, and travel around the country visiting Bahá'í communities.” Which one of us said that? Don’t remember. Seriously. It doesn’t matter who said it—we had both come to the same thought at the same time. Which almost never happens. Gene is a rather circular thinker, big picture and tangential. I go for the straight line, point A to point B, all the fine details neatly in a row. Though we often eventually arrive at a common point, the process is fitful and lumpy. Not this time. Clean as a whistle this time.

So there you have it—that was the beginning. On that day in that place the plan was hatched. Preparations took a full year. Green Lake Bahá'í Conference 1997 was our destination for the road test of our Nomad travel-trailer, and two weeks later we hit the road. We’ve got lots more stories to tell. Thanks for tuning in. Tell us what you’d like to read about.

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Wed, 24 Feb 2010 06:00:00 GMT http://storiesofracialhealing.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=75:how-this-whole-thing-got-started&catid=20:phylliss-blog-reflections-from-the-road&Itemid=148
Dots http://storiesofracialhealing.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=91:dots&catid=21:genes-blog-connecting-the-dots&Itemid=149 Connecting the dots reminds me of those wonderful coloring books that include the mazes and dot-to-dot puzzles I loved so much when I was a kid. I’ve watched my seven-year old granddaughter sitting at the dining room table on weekend mornings, effortlessly joining numbered dots with assertive pencil strokes until a delightful image emerged—a clown holding an umbrella and dressed in baggy clothing and big floppy shoes. I've seen her finish this first stage of the drawing, put her pencil down, and gaze at the page in the book of brain teasers smiling, satisfied that she had cracked the code, unlocked the mystery, and given meaning to dozens of dots which only moments earlier appeared to be unrelated and possessed questionable shared purpose. Of course my granddaughter knew what their purpose was when she opened the coloring book. She’s been connecting dots for most of her life and knows that if she inadvertently forgets to include a couple of dots on the periphery of the page, the resultant image will be imperfect and the whole will suffer. She’s so wise. And I’ve watched her settle serenely into the next phase of the work, filling the variety of shapes—the stripes on the clown’s pants, his spiky eyelashes, the tiny hat perched on his bald dome surrounded by thick curls—with rich colors.

When I tackled a dot-to-dot drawing as a kid, my approach was to first stare at the scattered spots on the page before I even put pencil to paper; if I could “see” the finished picture before I started drawing the connecting lines, I felt I had triumphed. I could then continue, confident that each dot marked progress in the emergence of an engaging image.

I’ve observed my granddaughter’s two older siblings surveying their respective teen and pre-teen realities and attempting to make connections, unlock meaning and grasp their purpose as participants in a complex web of relationships. I have concluded that seeing one’s meaning and purpose in life is exponentially more stressful for youngsters today than it was when I was a youth. There are so many more dots to connect. But I know my grandchildren and their peers will become more proficient problem solvers than those of my generation.

Today our world is being drawn together in mind-boggling ways. My ardent hope is that we might help our children and youth develop the perceptual skills needed to “see” the big picture that is emerging in this current phase of social development. Then hopefully they will make the appropriate connections with the assurance that their life’s work will have meaning and purpose.

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Mon, 22 Feb 2010 18:44:00 GMT http://storiesofracialhealing.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=91:dots&catid=21:genes-blog-connecting-the-dots&Itemid=149
Funny how things work out . . . http://storiesofracialhealing.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=85:funny-how-things-work-out-&catid=20:phylliss-blog-reflections-from-the-road&Itemid=148 I know there are a lot of people like me out there – people who have always loved to write but who never quite knew what to do with their compositions. Throughout my school years, teachers told me that I should think about publishing my writing somewhere. It was the word “somewhere” that did me in. Other students wrote poems and essays that ended up in the school newspaper, while my creative musings stayed tucked away in a battered purple folder with “WRITING” on the front and “I love Bill” inside a lace-framed heart on the back.

Both Bill and the folder have long since been replaced, but I still have some of those pieces tucked away. Somewhere.

Along came blogs, and gradually I realized that this new medium could be what I’d been waiting for all these years. I began reading friends’ posts and fantasizing about what I might contribute to the world of online wittiness. I even created a blog account, spent days reading articles such as “How to come up with a good title for your blog,” and selected a clever name and appropriate profile photo.  Apparently I failed to hit “publish” before closing my browser, because now I’ve forgotten where my account resides and can’t seem to find it. My post-less blog with the clever name is out there in cyberspace, somewhere.

And now I’ve written an entire book – well, half of a book anyway. Who would have thought I’d manage that? Not only written, but published. It still boggles the mind. In about ten weeks I will be able to hold that book in my hands, an achievement I never even dreamed of back in the days of the purple folder. And a book needs a website, and a website needs . . . a blog!

I promise, even though I have hundreds of unwritten essays buzzing around my brain, that I will stick to the topics listed in my little blogger’s welcome message. I will write about the subject of the book my husband and I have co-authored – uncovering racial conditioning and seeking racial healing. I will also regale you with hopefully witty accounts of my life on the road in an RV with my spouse (if you want his side of the story, click on “Gene’s Blog” – and try to remember that we’ve lived together for over a decade in a space the size of a walk-in closet). Occasionally I may relate stories about events in my life that brought me to this point, that made me this person who will soon be a published author. My writing will be accessible to anyone who wants to read it; my words will be online and between the covers of real books, available in bookstores. Everywhere.

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Thu, 18 Feb 2010 05:34:40 GMT http://storiesofracialhealing.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=85:funny-how-things-work-out-&catid=20:phylliss-blog-reflections-from-the-road&Itemid=148